i decided that I MUST ABSOLUTELY BLOG (even if there's nothing much) before i mug tonight. i dont know why. i cant start studying before blogging. it doesn't sound good, i'm sure it isn't.

i just downed a mug of Swissmiss chocolate. delectable. -licks lips-
i love that stuff! very rich chocolate flavour, and DEFINITELY unlike Milo.
i dont have anything against Milo, but drinking it frequently is quite a TURN OFF.
gonna try the MARSHMALLOW & RICH chocolate over the next few days!
training yesterday was quite good, had 2 v1s and rallies, i still have to learn to place my shots properly instead of the crap i've been turning out lately..
i need secret training. anyone? :)

headed to holland v to meet up with shiyun & jessie at BK, which is REALLY the outcast of holland v. damn empty for a sat night while everywhere else was bustling with activity and a lot of BOOZE. i distracted them la! we were luffing and chatting and luffing and chatting, which was very healthy! =]
yeaaa, and we bumped into leroy samuel wong zhanyu and zhanyu's gf jane..
HAHA it was gossip galore la really...quite atrocious. eat cockles, la la and fries at the coffeeshop..haha. it was really quite an eye opener. but very interesting.
it was almost 3 when we walked leroy and jane back, and zy sam and i cabbed home.
zy n sam still have army half-marathon after that! my goodness i knocked out when i reached home..dead tired and my legs were really aching.

yea headed to west mall today with bespectacled stephen. i had to get some stationary at popular, and we went to the supermarket, HAHA. ok not very funny or happening.
hmm.

wah shit. i'm yawning like mad. AND I NEED TO MUG. i CANNOT SLEEP!
CANNOT!

yes. the escapade to Botanical Gardens. we did not go back empty handed!
stephen was trigger-happy with his camerca phone la haha.
as you all can see...i love animals.
haha i practically forced him to snap shots of everything visible and moving there la
oh but the kittens were taken at the chalet he attended.
WAH I SWEAR WHEN I SAW E KITTENS I ALMOST DIED OF BLISS.
SO DAMN CUTE CAN. and one kitten looked like it was smiling! :)
i'll go there on my own in the evening sometime soon, i wonder how the night lights would be..
it was HUGE LA actually, so walking in the sweltering heat killed off some of the excitement. HAHA.

i dreamt that i sang God's praises last night. i saw myself singing a Christian song, with my eyes closed and hands lifted. i've never known how it was, but last night i really did see myself. and i'm proud.

oh, and squash last night at signature park was good as usual. after that shiyun, stephen and i went to the market to eat..i abit in love with HOKKIEN MEE LA. maybe we were too hungry. the ride home was long, and i seriously STROLLED home from boon lay interchange, i was too tired, i still had to mug maths, and the prospect of actually burying my head in my books once i stepped into the house finished off whatever little enthusiasm i had left yesterday.

and i slept like a log...a bit never study la. so i'm screwed.

actually i really do want to know who that girl is, but i realised, i'm better off not knowing.
much better off not knowing. so i'm not going to put myself in that situation where i satisfy my curiosity and feel inferior all over again. no. not again.
because i'm done. really, i'm done.

yea, i read a post about someone's closest frens/family lying to her. i actually do feel damn pathetic when my dad lied to me. it speaks volumes, like maybe i'm not mature enough to handle the truth. or that my perception would change if he didn't lie. but it still did change, because the lie has been told, and i'm feeling awful that the relationship i have with my father has changed vastly. and i can't do anything about it.

i hate it when i find out that someone dear to me lied to me. it's not gonna stop happening i think. oh well.

on a brighter note, i went back to jjc yesterday, and i was very happy to see everyone again! :)

i'm totally in love with Wicked the Musical's For Good sung by Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth. beautiful lyrics, and the blending of both their voices singing two different lyrics at the bridge is just superb. i cannot get enough of it. it took the word beautiful to a whole new level. and the depth of emotion in their voice is enough to bring anyone to tears.


It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend

Because i knew you,
I have been changed...for good.

you know what's wrong with this world?

there are too damn many Cristina Yangs all around.
the epitome of an ideal perfectionist, the ultimate bossy bitch, and yes the excellent suck-up queen. they care so much about themselves, and the world revolves around them entirely.
like seriously, every damn mistake to them is like the sky falling down upon us.
its crazy living in a society like that.
the competitiveness and pace is ALWAYS overwhelming (note: i do NOT use sometimes).

but heck, Sandra Oh who plays the overbearing kiss-ass Cristina Yang is an excellent actress. Well-deserved nominations for both her and Chandra Wilson who plays Dr Bailey.

Sunday's service was really good, and i really like my groupmates. We shared alot of feelings regarding the 40 Day Programme, and I felt that I can be extremely honest with them. You know, some people, they just let you in, no strings attached, no barriers formed, just really nice and genuine people. We talked and ate together, and I felt that i benefited greatly from the experience of just that one session. This experience with God? I feel it. It's indescribable, but I feel the connection. It has always been there for me to latch onto, I just had to find it within myself. It's amazing, really. It reminds me that no one's ever alone in this harsh world we live and breathe in.

i swear i've never walked so much in my entire life.

and i think my bio clock's really screwed up. it's been very long since i stayed up this late, or should i say early, just slacking or rubbishing my life away. I don't have a reason, which is queer, because i'm usually quite a 12am sleeper. it's time to adjust.

oh, anyway, stephen and i headed to the BOTANICAL GARDENS today.
it was quite impromptu and unexpected la actually.
we were on the bus heading to town, and then we saw the re-opened BG, so we decided to just pop in and take a look. I don't remember the last time i went there though, must have been years. There are restaurants and shops, and it definitely looks better now. The swans and ducks are still there though, and it made me miss NZ so so so much.

I miss their lush greenery,
I miss the smell of fresh air every morning when I wake up,
I miss the fact that I have to use a radiator everyday,
I miss the seagulls which chomped on my beef pies,
I miss watching their huge sparrows (and i mean HUGE) chirping and feeding on scraps along the sidewalk,
I miss watching and feeding the ducks which waddle beside the pier,
I miss going into Day & Night for food whenever the hunger pangs hit me in the middle of the night,
I miss having to scrutinise the map for directions to our next destination,
I miss lookin for an eatery after 5pm,
I miss the fact that almost every boutique except souvenir shops close at 5pm,
I miss the moment when we stepped into the Pacific Ocean when we stopped along the beach,
I miss dipping my fingers into their crystal-clear streams and feeling the sudden coldness of the water seep into my skin,
I miss staring out into space, taking in the sights and sounds,
I miss lugging our baggages to our next accommodation,
I miss leaning back and staring up into the star-filled sky,
I miss getting fresh fruits and honey from their orchards,
I miss picking walnuts from the tree and saying hi to their two-headed pigs on their farms,
I miss the fact that every place we explore, we always find something new, a plant or flower or even a shrub, like the crappy thorny purple-flowered plant which is used to collect honey from,
I miss tandem paragliding over queenstown with my ultra-hunky instructor talking to me about everything under the sun,
I miss the Kiwis' awesome and gracious hospitality, and the fact that they stop at next to nothing to help us in every possible way,
I miss plunging with my eyes closed down towards a stream with a bungee-cord strapped around my feet,
I miss the small plane which had a banner "Happy Valentine's Day!" attached to its tailend and was making its rounds around queenstown that very day,
I miss drooling over pictures of Legolas and Aragorn and Arwen and everything LOTR-related,they even had a HUGE Gollum and Ring at the top of the airport building in Wellington.
I miss their quaint little cottages and huge farms littered with everything from shrubs to nut trees,
I miss everything about NZ, I really do miss it an awful lot.
heck, i even miss the static shocks whenever I open the car door.

Anyway, I digressed. We saw a pond full of lotuses, and it was a very VERY pretty sight. Since he's going overseas in a few months, he might want to digest as much of Singapore as he can take in now. But he's gonna go snowboarding during Christmas, which i'm utterly jealous of.
Head down to the Botanical Gardens if you have time to spare, it's worth taking time off to have a nice leisurely stroll there. It helps to take things off your mind. Of course, Hyde Park is another matter altogether.

Yes, there's more walking involved. We walked walked walked our asses down to town and we had LJS for dinner. I can't remember the last time I did not have to jostle around with the crowd in town, or having to look around anxiously for seats just for a meal. It felt nice, not having to scramble with everyone else.

Just finished a phone conversation with Sean. As usual, caught up on everything else. I'm quite pleased because I get to bunk in with him soon! It's gonna be really fun, just chilling out and chatting with your close friend. It's hard to find time for such stuff nowadays actually. Embrace simplicity in life. AND NO, he is NOT my boyfriend la! wah, quite alot of people have been asking me the same question. tsk.

Oh, and I need to re-string my racket and change my grip.
Got a few tasks at hand which I need to complete this week, and I REALLY hope i don't procrastinate. And i'm down with a cough again. YES AGAIN.
I need some squash.



Tonight I find myself kneeling by the bed to pray
I haven't done this in a while
So I don't know what to say
Lord I feel so small sometimes in this big ol' place
I know there's more important things, but
Don't forget to remember me
Don't forget to remember me

haha i finally had some me-time today. and i'm really glad.

went to town for a little stroll on my own today before meeting up with xuan and jon for fast & furious:tokyo drift. the show was good la, drift here drift there..abit exciting. reminded me of the time when kazuya actually did something like that with 5 of us in e car. honestly, it was..quite...scary. huzair was like 'oh my gdness the kerb is horribly near to the car!'
managed to get some stuff and stationery from taka during my little me-time.
SHIT im not studying la!
hope u ppl like it la really. although its just simple and sweet. :)

anyway, yesterday was ONE HECK OF A DAY CAN.
STEPHEN brought me on a TOUR of TOH GUAN ROAD EAST.
LOLOL it was DAMN FUNNY LA. we were lost!
we were finding some building which housed the sony ericsson service centre where he sent his phone for servicing. it was right before our eyes after we crossed IMM initially! WE MISSED IT AND WALKED for like 45 MINUTES.LOL.
it was a test of our navigational senses man. one HECK OF A TEST.
okok, and yes we found that BUILDING. :)
quite funny la really.
and we squashed at ngee ann after that, which was quite unproductive cos i FELT SO LETHARGIC due to squash the previous day at signature park. a bit cannot take it la.
ok, i dont know why i'm a bit hyper now after my mood swing just now..hm.

actually i wanted to type a super emo entry regarding some stuff, but i decided not to. a bit hard to organise my thoughts. and im feeling lazy, so there.
had an appt with ms chew today, and it set me off again. these appointments have helped me a great deal, and i'm tremendously grateful for ms chew. she helps me view things perspectively, which is actually quite hard for me to accomplish in certain situations. and she makes me feel like i'm not alone. and that i'm never alone.

training tml. weee. HAHA.

why do i feel like there's too many things piling up on me? or that its all too much to handle? or is it that i cant handle stress well, or do ppl really think i dont have enough things to do right now that i have to take it all in? just what is it really?

where there is love, there is life.

i wanted to blog before hitting the shower just now, but i thought about it, and decided against it. if i did, this entry would have had no punctuations whatsoever, no proper sentences, and tons of grammatical errors. now now, you wouldn't want that right?
HAHA. cos a fren told me about getting a headache after reading one of my entries some time ago in which i didn't use any punctuation at all.

i.am.tired.

it's been quite a few packed days since i last sat down and blogged. ooh. yes. went out with xinghong zhenghui xuan and soon kueh that night. it was really really fun! there were so many hilarious moments that i can't possibly remember them all. we went clarke quay's Asylum to chill out, and i was a bad girl. i influenced them. =( HAHA. but they were really sporting in trying out the flaming lambourghini! -applaud- although the sudden profanity which sk blurted out was quite a stunner to all of us. bold ppl!
we took some photos, and we're damn BAD ACTORS. as in, we were supposed to "push" zh into the river, but apparently, we looked pretty damn sadistic. and our sushi consumption was quite atrocious....but nvm! it was all good! ate so much la really..bought soya bean and yoghurt drink too! ooh, and my favourite cheese sausage. and some prata wrapped sausage thingy with alot of mayonnaise! :) I LOVE MAYONNAISE!
they were really great company, seriously.

ohh, and yes, i slept damn late, and had to drag my ass out of bed early the next morning for the 40 Days programme. it made me reflect on alot of experiences, and what i want to accomplish in this life. no matter how long or how hard it would be for me.
there are goals which are hard to carry through, but not impossible. after it's done, you can look back and say, 'yes, it's done. it's over. even though i took a lifetime to do this, i accomplished it. i did it.' i want to be able to say that to myself over and over again. but with my level of self-descipline...well....


anyway, the next day i headed to jjc to meet up with my beloved dotters la. i was SO happy to see them! i've not been to jjc for a very long time, so when i got there and the bee hoon lady told me she ran out of bee hoon after serving 2 guys who actually cut my freaking queue, i felt really really jacked. =( but nvm YAY! saw shiyun lia cx and jessie la! as usual, a bit high in the canteen. but it's ALRIGHT RIGHT? HAHA! x)
headed to nyjc with anthony for a squash session with bing ren. he has been mugging seriously. woah. i was so tired and drained after that! i was so hungry and tired on the way home, and i craved for indian food because anthony was elaborating on how delicious the murtabak from the indian stall near his block was. URGH.
and yes, their courts are very very beautiful. very clean, and anthony and i agreed that we could play better in their right court. we managed to place our shots better. but the ventilation..is quite..a goner... but its alright! as bing ren said, it trains our stamina. HAHA.
the school is really nice on a whole, very modern-looking.
i was so tired i could barely walk home..
and yes, got whacked quite a few times within 3 days. lol. sad case la.

rested on tues, thank goodness man cos i felt so....lethargic throughout the whole day. slept, ate, tv-ed, and slept even more. at least the upside was i managed to catch the Ellen Degeneres and Oprah shows! hardly caught them last week, so yes. missed Ellen's snarky comments and quick wit. i was laughing til i cried when someone doubted she was Ellen on the phone.

"hello this is Ellen Degeneres."
"THE Ellen degeneres?!"
"yea, i'm THE Ellen Degeneres but usually when i talk about myself i don't put 'the' in front."
"oh you're really THE Ellen Degeneres!"
"yea i am -rolls eyes- and oh are you THE Judy?"

that conversation cracked me up! her deadpan tone, her facial expressions..oh so funny!
and yes, Oprah was heartwarming as usual. what do you expect? ITS OPRAH for goodness sake. she makes women all over the country cry at the same time! which by the way is during her show's timeslot. she empathises so much..and note that i don't use the word sympathise in this context, but empathise. because she's OPRAH. if it's anyone else, well...it's a whole different story then!

now, i'm waitin for my hair to dry after a nice long shower. had a squash session at signature park with stephen and onn shaun in the evening, and at the rate i'm playing, i honestly might go ballistic. some of my shots are really retarded and badly-placed, and coach wouldn't be very pleased to see the rate i'm playing at now. sigh. i need to brush up, and i need some secret training. haha. anyone?

i realised i've evolved into a cynical little bitch now. why do i say that?
because in some way or another, i find it hard to trust ppl now. i don't know why, but it's really really difficult. there are a handful of my closest frens who i trust entirely and that i could put my life in their hands. but many others? it just scares me whenever i doubt whatever they say or do..scares the shit outta me really.
my closest frens know who they are, so thank you. thank you all for the effort you all put in for me. words cannot portray my feelings. :)

sean,xuan,the jjcians(hongs,eunice,shiyun,lia,jessie,cx): thank you for being my angels :)

on a sidenote, it's very scary to see how ppl turn against their ex-es behind their back, and then act like an angel in front of them. like oh wow u've had a huge impact on my life blah blah blah. when actually all this while u've been saying that she was too demanding and too possessive. ppl say things to gain ppl's trust, but it's sad to see the level ppl stoop to, and that they try to cover it up with a bunch of crap. sometimes, trusting is the biggest mistake one can make.

no wonder i'm cynical. look at the harsh reality we live in. i am so judgemental, along with almost everyone else in the world.
but you know what?
i live my life the way i want to, don't let anyone tell you how to live yours.

urgh. i want to know you better, but yet i don't want to? it's unexplainable, and its crazy.
its driving me crazy.

ok that last post is COMPLETELY REDUNDANT NOW.
its AN EXTREMELY GOOD THING!

i'm awfully glad there was no awkwardness thingy going on when i met ivan last night. i was shit scared as to how the whole thing would go la really. but it went fine. and i appreciate it alot that he made the effort. every little effort counts, and i know that. it cleared my head about alot of things. and i asked him a question that was bugging me shitloads for a very long time. i asked whether i had done anything wrong previously, and he said no.. i asked him to be honest, and he said no, it was fine. no awkward shit, no awkward silences, no ohwadtimeisitnow shit, thank YOU. glad to know that things haven't changed, and that i'm going to put in whatever i can to make it stay this way. indeed, you're special in your own way.

haha, so yes we had dinner at ichiban boshi! it was good stuff, and very filling. i was practically stuffing my face with weird slimy shit, and yes definitely ALOT OF RICE. oh my gdness ivan took this weird slimy jellyfish-like sushi, and he was chewing it for quite some time. he said it was unbreakable. LOL he swallowed it in the end. it was pretty damn amusing actually. i stuffed the thing into my mouth, and I ALMOST DIED. ivan was like talking to me but i cannot answer la, wait the sushi fall out super unglam can. it was indeed unbreakable, and spicy. i took like 2 minutes to chew it completely. sad. thou shall not stuff food into my mouth on impulse next time. he couldn't make it for fireworks cos he had a last min meeting to attend to, so i joined hongs after that. the crowd was crazy, and we waited for quite a while standing on the same spot. and it was frustrating to see ppl pushing through without a word of excuse me! we were bitching about it la seriously. quite irritating.

but it was worth the wait! the fireworks were splendid. and we stared up in awe as they lighted up the night sky. various colours and patterns. very very very beautiful. you could hear the "ooh" and the "ahhh" from the crowd, which clearly enjoyed the spectacle. i felt like i was a kid all over again... im a very happy girl. :)
oh and i bumped into pc,maybelline and shuwen! i was very happy to see them again. we've kinda drifted, but we're gonna meet up soon for squash! :)

thank you hongs alvin ade christian for the great company last night! the bitching, the spasticity, the laughter, the teasing, and the vulgarities were very much appreciated. i always have great fun with you guys!

haha, im not in the mood for spicing up my blog entry so its gonna be simple and sweet.
so there.

NO STOP CONFUSING ME STOP CONFUSING ME URGH!

shiiiiittttt. jacked.

for the first time in a very long while, he made me feel useless and inferior.

and it just had to come after a quarrel with my dad, which made me cry, and cry..
please stop doing this to me, stop making me take sides, stop making me listen to whatever bad shit you have to say abt mum, stop it..stop threatening, stop breaking your promises..cos with every word you say, the more i realise that no matter how much i do for you, its not enough.
just how much must i do to prove that you both are equally important? how much more must i prove? how much more do i need to do..stop telling me you rather end your life, stop telling me that you wanna hide from my mum because this war will never stop, stop telling me that you're sorry that its affecting me, daddy, i'm sorry i can't help you. if being a good daughter means i must take ur side, im really sorry im not ur good daughter. i cant seem to be ur perfect daughter.

i sent an sms to eric today, 'i want to be able to go through bullshit and come out smelling like a flower.' it's so damn difficult.

NO i cant let it affect me, I CANT. i dont have anymore energy.....

If your heart's not in it for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If love's already gone
It's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the whole world for you
Anything you ask of me I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your heart's not in it


i like you, but it's killing me inside.

my whole body is aching.
was at ngee ann with jj shaun sam homan gerald tong yday, they played til they forgot about lunch seriously. from 10am to 5pm? YEA.
went for dinner at the hawker centre nearby, they had quite good food though.
i love their sugarcane with lemon juice!
the guys went on to play lan while i decided to go home and rest.
my cough hasn't recovered since last week. i'm getting more frustrated from having to wake up every freakin hour at night just to cough my ass off. my medicine's not really working, oh well.

ooh, and Speechless is on nirvana repeat mode NOW! :)

got back home not too long ago. and i dont feel like blogging much though.

oh and i'm very very very very sorry. i think i spread the bug to eric. and now? he's like very very sick... sigh. went to the doc few times already, and his anti-biotics didn't seem to work. he sounded really bad over the phone too. sigh. i'm really sorry.

i said no to someone yday. surprisingly, it wasn't THAT hard. afterall, if i were to go through with my fall-into-the-abyss-shit, the right thing was to say no. but anyway, i really wasn't free. and i wasn't about to skip or postpone my plans just for it. i might have done it last time, but now, no. it's going to be all about me. me and my crazy ideas.


i'm vaguely attracted.vaguely.just very vaguely. but i don't deny that you manage to make me smile, and you crack me up all the time. you're..intriguing.


I've been driving for an hour
Just talking to the rain
You say I've been driving you crazy
And its keeping you away
So just give me one good reason
Tell me why I should stay
Cause I don't wanna waste another moment
Saying things we never meant to say

i want to have something to look forward to everyday when i wake up,
cos when i actually dont find it, i get listless, and don't know what to do for the rest of the day.
it's like how i woke up today lookin forward to squash and meeting my friends, i wish i had that kind of motivation everyday to spur me on.

but i guess even when it doesn't happen, at least i have some good old me-time.


breathe for me, honey.

i don't believe this. clay's songlist for A Thousand Different Ways was published already.
alot of covers, and 4 new songs. i'm pretty disappointed actually, even though it's clay.
3 years, and so many ballads? i'm gonna kill mr. davis soon really.

there's no Back For More, Just You and Tears Run Dry! those were my favourites during his Jukebox Tour. He rocked during BFM and showed off his vocal prowess and range during JY and TRD. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN? ITS A TRAVESTY!

he's covering a lot of huge ballads, when i say huge, I MEAN HUGE-HUGE KINDA HUGE.
like Right-Here-Waiting-Without-You-Because-You-Loved-Me-kinda HUGE. it's gonna be such a pleasure listening to him soar throughout these classics, and i can't wait for Sept 19th.
-prays-

i did drills by myself during training today, and boy did it feel good!
took time to place my shots, tried to improve, and although it helped abit, i felt very satisfied.


i'm addicted to Speechless by The Veronicas.


you got soul, you got class, you got style, you're bad-ass.

to YOU:
you brought the word 'respect' to a whole new level. i never felt insecure. never had doubts. never before have i doubted your feelings at that time. it was a right decision, the one you made so many months ago. and now, for myself, i'm making my own decision. you didn't make me feel inferior, and didn't ask me to change. you didn't lie, you didn't fool me, you didn't lead me on, you were aware of the path that it was gonna lead to and you knew...you just knew. you are indeed very special, and i feel blessed to have had you during that period. and that you're still a fren. thank you for the memories, and goodbye.

it's time for closure.


frens: help me out here, alright? thank you! :)

oh, and NO im not with anyone la, so ppl who think that im closing this chapter because i'm sorta transferring my feelings to someone else, think again.

i sent an sms to xuan today, it went like this.
'you know, that blah blah thing? It's like we're cramped up on a lost plank of wood, but it's better if we just hop into the abyss even if we don't find anything to latch onto, because in the dark there may be fear, but there's also hope. It beats standing on that lost plank of uncertainty."

i thought about it, and i realised that by not trying, we are not learning. when we try, and we fail. we learn through our mistakes, although it hurts pretty badly and the scars will stay.
i realised that it has been 7 months afterall. and it's time for me to move on.
move on, hop into the abyss, just anything to get me away from that plank of uncertainty.
right now, i'm willing to take risks. i'm going to be bold, and no one can stop me. what's the point of stepping out even when u're still keeping your doors closed?

sometimes, waiting does not guarantee an outcome that you want. it only causes you to live in self-denial. the longer the wait, the longer the self-denial, and the tougher it is to let go.
7 months. i've made my choice. it's never gonna happen anytime in the near future, i have accepted it. but if God makes it happen after a very long while, i will not hesitate if it seems right. waiting is like a game of squash. you play with yourself. you play with your own emotions, you toy around with possible situations, you dream about it, but when it comes to the finish line, you see that no one's there at the finish line with you. there's no one there to reassure you that everything's going to be alright. there's no one there to pick u up after you fall. and worse still, there won't be a way for you to backtrack, to turn back time. this decision was hard, as i know it was hard for him 7 months back, we picked up our own shattered pieces and moved on. it was hard, and very painful, but we did it. i never second guessed either of our feelings at that time, because he never gave me a reason to. all he did was give me reasons to trust and love him, that's all there is to it. simple. we have our own lives. and waiting? it's just a word to me now. i wont try to purposely cause myself to establish feelings or force myself to erase everything we had, it doesn't help, and also cos it's just plain stupid. memories will last, but reality bites. i will always salute him for being the strong personality he is, and i admire his perseverence and sensability for making the right decisions to fulfil his own goals.

indeed, time heals all wounds.

something drastic happened at home last night. and it shocked me to the core.
i rmb a few weeks back, i was anxious about my mum's safety, and now? i am worried about my dad's. when i had that stupid 40 deg fever, xuan said that i was weighed down by too many things. it hit home, and i realised that i lost sleep, lost appetite, and lost weight throughout the course of 3 weeks. when the clouds seem to part, it started raining. i just have to be prepared for whatever happens, if not i wont be able to take it anymore. i was prepared, but being prepared doesn't mean that you'll lose all emotions. it gives me clarity, and i have to think sensibly and say and do the right things.

and thank goodness i have friends who make me smile ALL the time. and i mean ALL THE TIME. xuan's jordi labanda pretty pink pop-out cover notebook is sitting prettily on my table. it reminds me that it doesn matter how many frens you have, you just need that very important few. it's enough to make your life satisfying. thank you so much! i love you!

p.s: i miss everyone in jjc. :(

give me a reason to trust you,
give me a reason to believe you,
give me a reason to have faith in what you say,
give me a reason to love you.

i just need a reason. any reason. just one reason will do.

i'm an emo girl. and when i say emo, I MEAN EMO EMO.

HAHA. ok i tend to be a BIT more crazy at night.
so down to business.
i caught The Lake House with sean on Monday at PS. Very very very good, extremely touching, and it brought almost everyone in the cinema to tears. I cried buckets, and after the show, everyone was sniffing and wiping their tears with tissue. Sean even TEARED CAN.
i guess that speaks volumes of the show! i love sappy love shows. just love them.
it's DEFINITELY a must-watch. think both of us are gonna catch it again with other ppl too!
the ending was really beautiful, but it was so good that you cant help but think that it would never happen in reality.
online chemistry was great, plot was excellent, and it wasnt overly dramatic. simple and sweet.
i like. :)
our friendship? excellent. he patted my hand when i was crying like a mad cow, he didn't need to say anything. but it was enough.

went for prata on tuesday. didnt have much appetite because i was sick. i reached home, took my temp. it read 40.0 deg C, which scared the shit out of me. i could barely find my way to the toilet, had to grope around in the dark. i fell asleep at 12+ then woke up at 2am to puke out my entire prata. it was gross seriously. and i saw 2 smses in my phone. it made me laugh and smile at the same time. but i guess i cannot make too much of it right now. kept waking up every hour perspiring and tossing and turning in bed.
thank gdness i recovered on wed morning. managed to lower my temp, and i ate bread then popped 2 pills just in case. but my throat hurts like hell, i cant swallow without feeling the pain. but since i was much better, i headed to xuan's house to mug. i love egg mayonnaise! we had egg mayonnaise sandwich for supper! her mum actually used 10 eggs! i was damn shocked la. but it was very good. i felt my temp increasing so i took 2 panadols just in case.
luckily i took them, cos if i didnt, i might have to relive the whole fever nightmare again.

sigh, the house is empty, and i feel so alone.